Conflict Is a Gift: Four Keys to Turning Disagreement into Better Leadership

During my career, I have worked with a lot of middle managers—those folks that bridge the gap between the frontline workforce and the executive suite.  Though many of them don’t realize it, their role is one of the most important in the organization. They are close enough to see what’s working and what isn’t. They have the ear of the frontline and of the senior team. They have the greatest effect on what teams focus on and what behaviors are encouraged and tolerated. They are the throughline for strategy cascade and result achievement. A critical role, and often one where the organization’s goals are either realized or fall apart.

Why is this the case? What happens—or doesn’t happen—at this middle management level that either drives results or stifles them?

There are myriad reasons, but one that is most prevalent is conflict avoidance. It’s widely understood that middle managers are often promoted out of individual contributor roles where they excelled. And the shift from excelling in one’s own work to leading others in their work, is not always an easy one to make. When leading others, one is opened up to new layers of interpersonal dynamics, including interpersonal conflict.

What many managers don’t realize is that conflict is a gift. Conflict is a tool. Conflict is a path to stronger relationships and better outcomes. Conflict is a precious opportunity, when you manage it well.

I believe the root of all successes and all failures lies in human relationships. Nobody reading this blog lives alone in a cave. We all must connect and rely on one another to survive and meet our basic needs. In the workplace, we must connect and rely on one another to do the work and achieve the outcomes we’re striving for. The health of human interaction, human communication, human connection, and human relationships is key. And conflict is the most valuable way to strengthen all of those keys.

But conflict is hard. Conflict requires us to address topics that might hurt others. Conflict puts us in a position where we might feel hurt ourselves. Conflict stirs up emotions and when emotions take the lead, our ability for critical and rational thought is diminished. Conflict can trigger past harms that we feel in the sensations of the physical body. In conflict we say and do things we regret.  

So how could conflict possibly be a gift? A tool? A path? Something precious?

Conflict is the way to strengthen human connection. It is the path to more meaningful human relationships. It is a tool for growth of the human spirit.

But it must be faced and it must be faced in a healthy, productive way.

When I’m in conflict, I like to think of the ancient Korean principle of “hong ik in gan,” meaning living for the benefit of all. More broadly, the principle means to make choices and take actions that are not good for some and bad for others, but good for everyone. We often enter into conflict believing that in order to win, the other must lose. We treat it as zero-sum, but it rarely has to be.

Conflict is often a disconnect in values. Values drive our behaviors and as humans we share many of the same values but may apply them differently. Enter conflict.

For example, not too long ago I was listening to a podcast featuring Dr. Brianna Migliore, a neuroscientist who shares research about how the brain and nervous system respond to chaotic situations. Dr. Migliore was comparing conservative and liberal values, specifically the value about caring for others. She explained that both sides can hold a belief that the other side doesn’t care about others. But it’s not true—both sides care—the care is simply applied differently. Conservatives tend to orient their care around their families and communities; people they know or are connected with. Liberals spread a broader care net, including people they don’t know and groups they have no connection to. From the liberal perspective, it can appear that conservatives don’t care about others. And from the conservative perspective, it can appear that liberals don’t care about family and community. Neither perspective is accurate. The conflict lies in the different application of a commonly held value.

Here are the keys to turning conflict from something to avoid into something that strengthens relationships and outcomes:

Don’t avoid it. Conflict never gets better, the situation never improves, when it’s not addressed. It may feel better when the energy settles, but the underlying situation is still there and will resurface the next time it’s triggered by similar circumstances.

See conflict as an opportunity. It’s human nature to want healthier, more caring relationships. Recognize that moving through the conflict is the tool and process for growing those relationships. With that perspective, it may still be difficult, but you can hold the positive outcome in your vision.

Practice the principle of hong ik in gan. Enter the conversation with the desire for both parties to find resolution that benefits each individually, and the relationship collectively. Recognize that there’s a way to benefit all and work to find it.

Find the common value. See the humanity in the other party and acknowledge that they are not that much different than you. Try to identify the common value and how it is being applied or oriented differently. When you find and hold common that root, the path to resolution will become clear.

None of this is easy. Facing conflict well is a long-term practice, not a simple switch. But every time you choose to stay in the room instead of avoiding the hard conversation, you're building trust, resilience, and a stronger, more meaningful relationship.

That's the work we do in Circle Council: creating spaces where conflict can be faced honestly, where every voice carries equal weight, and where teams find their way from disagreement to something stronger. The middle managers who learn to do this don't just resolve conflicts. They become the people their teams can count on when things get hard, which, in the end, is what leadership is all about.

A man and woman sitting on an office couch, in conversation.